For the Health of It

Happy Valentine’s Day! Single, in a relationship, “it’s complicated”…whatever your status reads these days, dig up some chocolate, some flowers, and whatever makes you feel like the badass chick you are, and indulge in it

I entertained a few different ideas for a big V-Day post, including a sickly sweet dessert recipe and a shpeal about loving yourself as much as you love your loved ones, but what I really wanted to share was something a little less sugar-coated-hearts-and-glitter.

As most of y’all know, The Coach and I are currently navigating a long-distance relationship, which has accounted for basically half of the time we’ve been dating. {That would be a year and a half, for my readers who are as nosy as I am.} We’re blessed in the sense that our two hour separation isn’t that far – especially compared to couples who live across the country – but even the Orlando/Jacksonville split has still been challenging nonetheless. There’s a lot of work that we’ve put into making things as smooth as possible until we’re in a position to be in the same place at the same time.

In regards to what I get asked the most frequently – yes, all the challenges are worth it. A thousand times over. Let’s be honest here – long distance SUCKS at times – but toughing out the long stretches to get to the visits are 100 percent worth it. If it wasn’t worth it, there’s no way we’d be doing this.

When we first jumped into this arrangement, I turned to friends in the same situation for advice. As with any challenging personal situation, finding people who have made it out alive made it seem way less scary. My best female friend gave me advice from the year she spent travelling between her home in Florida to her {now husband}’s home in Alabama. My best male friend just ended things with his girlfriend, but for a while, we bonded over our identical situation and helped each other see the good in the tough times. Having people who can relate is absolutely key.

Despite how helpful others’ advice was, just like any relationship, your experience is yours and yours alone. What I’m saying now could be 100 percent different from what you come to experience. Some of the things I was told to brace myself for – like worrying about the possibility of cheating – have been non-issues for us. On the other end of the spectrum, some of the stuff that’s become a big deal for me wasn’t even mentioned by the friends I turned to for advice. You’re in this with your partner. He {or she} is going to be the person you have to lean on and make things work with.

You can go insane comparing your relationship to local relationships. This seems like such a no-brainer, right? Comparing relationships is a recipe for jealousy and disaster any time, but even more so when distance is a factor. No matter how much you try to normalize things for the two of you, the bottom line is that you’re playing with a different deck of cards than most other couples are. It’s easy to feel like your relationship is inferior when your girlfriends are prattling on about how brilliant theirs is {total singleton moment!}

Case in point: Valentine’s Day. I was already bummed about spending the day alone when my college roommate excitedly telling me about the night she had planned with her fiancé. All of the sudden, I started feeling even more down about the situation, and picked a really ridiculous fight with the coach over our plans. Turns out, the night out we had this weekend in Jacksonville {helloooo, Maggianos!} was our own awesome way of celebrating the holiday.

On that note, you’re going to fight, and it’s going to suck. The coach and I rarely fought when we were seeing each other frequently {honest!} It was one of the reasons I fell for him – we could talk bluntly about anything and not let it become a big deal. As I remember it, our first actual fight was six months after we start dating. When we ended up farther apart several months later, bickering became more frequent. Although that comes with the territory of being with someone for any extended amount of time, it’s also exaggerated by the distance. It’s harder to diffuse a budding fight when you’re not having the conversation in person. There’s no body language to read, no hand-on-his-arm tactic to cool things down, no immediate re-connection when you make up. Tension can build between the two of you more quickly without consistent bonding experiences to reduce the stress levels, and fights are going to happen.

No matter how busy you are, you’re going to get lonely. One of the best pieces of advice I was given was to stay busy. Between working full time, blogging, freelancing, spending significant amounts of time in the yoga studio/gym, taking care of my puppy, and staying involved with different circles of friends, I feel like I have a lot to occupy myself…but there are also a lot of times that it isn’t enough. Boredom turns into wallowing, which far-too-easily turns into feeling sorry for myself. Seriously, no good comes out of it. Fill your plate up, add a little more as a side dish, and have some back-up plans for the spaces in between.

You’re going to have times when you’d kick a baby for some romance. Hormonal days when nothing would be more amazing than coming home to a neck massage and a bar of chocolate are a lot tougher when you’re going through them alone. You also start to miss the hell out of everyday things that made your relationship stronger, like relying on him for help with the dishes. {Also considered a form of romance in some relationships }

Whatever your greatest insecurities are, they’ll be brought out. Although this experience has brought out a lot of my good qualities – such as independence – it also has exaggerated some of my biggest flaws. There’s a lot of anxiety that can come with a long distance relationship, which can turn a natural worrier into a huge ball of stress. Over-analyzers can find 100 more things to laser-focus on. Whatever issues are the biggest in your relationship and/or personal life when you are together are going to magnify when you separate.

At the end of the day, no matter what crazy situations arise, you’re not in it alone. Your partner has got your back through all of it {and by all of it, I’m definitely including crazy teary-eyed phone conversations over Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics}. Every day y’all make it is another day closer to your next visit, and once you get there, don’t take a single second for granted. It’s tougher than you’d ever imagined, but it’s going to be worth it.

Have you ever spent extended time away from your partner? What did you learn from the experience?