Category Archives: Ditching Insecurity
I Choose to Believe We Can
Dear philosophical graffiti artist:
Can we do this?
I choose to believe we can.
I don’t know what your own personal “this” is referring to, but we all have one. For some of us, it’s a personal goal, like running a marathon or applying for a new job. For others, it’s toughing out a less than ideal situation. It can be standing up and facing down your demons. It can be committing to something you’ve been avoiding committing to.
There are a billion scenarios this question could refer to, but each of us are facing our own “this”.
We instinctually look for reasons why we can’t do “this”.
I’m tired. It’s hard. It’s too hard. I’m not strong enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not worthy/capable enough.
Whatever your version of “this” is, take the leap of faith.
It’s scary. It’s going to require work. It’s probably going to require more strength than you knew you had and more sacrifices than you want to take on. It’s going to mean stepping out on a limb and finding faith you didn’t know you had…but if you choose to believe that you can, than that’s all you need to get you through it.
What do you choose to believe you can do today?
Before the Peg Breaks
Sitting at Sarah’s house after my breakup, she pried my phone out of my hands.
“Faith,” she said, “I’m sorry, but this is going to suck. Bigtime. You’re going to want to come home after work, grab food, crawl into bed and stay there watching Netflix until you fall asleep and wake up in time for work.”
I laughed. Partially because it was funny, and partially because that’s what I’d been doing {or at the least, felt like doing} for the last two months. Sure, I shopped, yoga-ed, ran, spent time with friends, read, saw movies, the whole nine yards…but my heart wasn’t totally in it. I kind of/sort of enjoyed myself at times, but I couldn’t honestly say I was really living a full, happy life. I was going through the motions – when I could gather the gusto. The stress was accumulating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was having serious focus issues…not exactly a great time.
Yet this morning, I woke up feeling….different. Incredibly different…in the most wonderful way possible.
At ten thirty last night, instead of being so mentally drained that I defaulted to Netflix, I was on the couch, enjoying a new novel, with a fresh batch of peanut butter cookies in the oven.
I’d run two miles, met Sarah for a yoga class, taken care of various errands, made plans for the weekend, caught up on blogs…and still had energy to burn. When my alarm rolled around this morning, I didn’t cringe at the noise blaring me awake. I didn’t feel emotionally hung over. I took my time picking out a flattering outfit and leisurely made myself an omlette for breakfast. It was bliss.
Now before this sounds like I’m blaming him for me spending a stupid amount of time feeling like crap on a cracker, that’s not the deal. The issue – which I just didn’t get until now, was that I was bringing this on myself by expecting things that were just never going to happen.
I let go of the expectation that I could make the relationship work on my own. I let go of the expectation that I could love more, do more, give more, and that suddenly something would click in his mind and make him change. I let go of the expectation that I could change myself, my needs and my hopes just to stubbornly hang on to some semblance of feeling wanted. I let go of the expectation that I was just supposed to be okay with this.
Letting go was the best thing I could have done for myself. It’s a cliché analogy, but when you’re dealing with a square peg/round hole situation, the peg is just going to keep beating itself into the hole over and over working to make it fit, but it’s never going to give. The peg has to give itself a break – before it gets broken.
Find yourself a different hole. Whatever expectations you’re trying to force yourself into achieving…let them go. Let them go before the peg breaks.
Is “Fitspiration” Healthy?
Thinspiration.
Just hearing the word makes me cringe. It evokes memories of sitting at my computer, nursing hot water with lemon and searching pro-anorexia forums for images of pin-thin women with pencil-sized legs and protruding collarbones. Theoretically, staring at their “flawless” bodies was supposed to make me less hungry. Instead, it only made me hate myself for not being able to achieve the same level of thin-ness.
More than 301,000 global monthly searches are conducted for “thinspiration.” That’s 301,000 people each month staring at some unrealistic body as motivation – motivation to eat less, to exercise more…or motivation to take those notions to the extreme. Motivation to call yourself the ugliest names possible because you can’t count your ribs through your skin. Motivation to restrict your intake until you can count those ribs. Motivation to start a hoard of unhealthy habits because your “thinspiration” has a “better” body than you do.
Thankfully, I no longer contribute to that disturbingly high number of searches for thinspiration. I no longer see those emaciated bodies an icon of perfection. I refuse to make myself feel inferior to anyone – but most of all a woman who is in a very unhealthy place, putting herself through hell to maintain what she sees as the “ideal” figure. I’m not envious of those bodies – instead, my heart breaks for those women.
But now, let’s change gears ever-so-slightly.
Fitspiration.
At first, “fitspiration” seems like the healthier, more noble younger sister to “thinspiration.” Rather than preaching starvation and bony spines, it preaches dedication to fitness and a toned body. The focus shifts to being the perfect image of health. Fitspiration is essentially any of the ads or illustrations you come across in run-of-the-mill women’s fitness magazine…
…Just like the one I ripped out of last month’s SELF to display on my fridge…and then promptly removed.
It seemed harmless enough. The model’s body is strong, fit and healthy. I wasn’t dramatically altering my food or workout habits to manipulate my body into looking just like hers. I was simply posting a picture to show myself what dedication {rather than skipping the gym whenever a carton of ice cream sounded more appealing} can produce.
As I kept passing the picture in my kitchen, though, I had to ask myself: what message am I sending here? That my body isn’t as good as hers? That I require hours at the gym to even be in the same league as the model?
The more I started to contemplate it, “fitspiration” appeared to be just another form of “thinspiration.” Sure, it replaces a skeletal body with a much “healthier” body, but what sort of mindset does it support? Not a healthy one by any stretch of the imagination. At the end of the day, you’re still telling yourself your body is not as good as the one in the image you’ve chosen as motivation.
Lusting after someone else’s figure (in a completely non-sexual way here, people) and seeing it as something you should attain is never healthy. It doesn’t matter if that body is 80 pounds or 200. It doesn’t matter if you envy their skinny frame or their toned, muscular physique. What matters is that you see a form of beauty in them that makes you less appreciative of the beauty that you already possess. Suddenly, whatever it is that YOU have is not as good as what THEY have. “Wow, she has brilliantly toned abs” becomes “She’s much prettier than I am. Maybe I would be happier if I looked like her. Maybe my boyfriend would love me more if I looked like her. Maybe I’d be more successful if I looked like her.”
These are nothing but ugly lies. Why give yourself any opportunity to begin harboring these thoughts? Even if you are able to not act on those thoughts, the havoc they wreak on your happiness is unreal. The damage done is not worth the reminder to head to the gym. You’re more than capable of issuing yourself a more loving reminder without the assistance of a picture.
What are your thoughts on “fitspiration?” Can it be a positive tool or is it just a slightly less disordered version of “thinspiration?”
Nobody’s Else’s Love can Compensate for a Lack of Your Own
A little over a year ago, I taught myself how to finally love my body.
As I learned to embrace what I saw, I also learned to love who I saw. It was a long, gradual process, but I eventually found more confidence than I ever knew that I had. I was more than just comfortable in my own skin – I was downright ecstatic to be alive and be me.
Then, without even realizing it, I stopped making self-acceptance and self love a priority.
I stopped celebrating the little things that make me me. I stopped looking for the good in myself. Before I knew it, “not looking for the good” had slipped into “criticizing myself for the bad.” Even though I was treating myself well physically, I started mentally berating myself for not being tall, tan, bleach-blonde and stick-skinny.
In my mind, I didn’t need to put any more work into loving myself. I had come far enough to break the cycles of my eating disorder, and I had found a man who loved and supported me.
Without realizing it, I started expecting him to love me enough for the both of us. No amount of affection that he could offer me was enough to satisfy me. I always craved more, and when he didn’t meet those unrealistic expectations, I attacked him for not caring. In reality, I was the one who’d stopped caring – and I almost didn’t realize it until it was too late.
I was starving for approval, and I was unknowingly expecting him to provide me with enough affirmation to make up for the lack of love I was getting on my own. I had convinced myself that he wasn’t interested in me anymore – after all, why would he be? I called him in a panic in the middle of the night.
Amazingly, the Coach is the most calm, rational man on the planet and allowed me to babble on about all of my concerns. Before we hung up, he promised to try to make me feel more appreciated. I felt like I’d finally broken through to him…but I’d actually broken through to myself.
The next morning, it hit me, loud and clear. It wasn’t him that needed to make me feel more appreciated. It was me. I’d been projecting my own insecurities into our relationship, causing me to expect things that not even Superman could do. Nobody else’s love can compensate for a lack of your own.
If you’re not confident in yourself, it’s so easy to assume that others don’t care about you. If you’re not proud of exactly who you are at exactly this moment, it’s difficult to see what others could possibly be proud of or inspired by.
Loving yourself is a continual process. It’s not something that you experience once. It’s not something you take five minutes to do once a month. It’s an ongoing attitude that ultimately allows you to open up and appreciate more than your appearance or your personality – it lets you appreciate life and all of the special people in it…yourself included.
“Skinny is Good, but Fat is Not Bad”: Our Perception of Body Size
Pumpkin + Psychology – what a start to a Tuesday morning, no?
Not surprisingly, I was ravenous after cranking out six miles last night. Pumpkin oats, here I come!
I’m really looking forward to sipping on a nice, warm cup of coffee at work this morning, so I skipped the pumpkin spice latte-style oats and cooked the grain with water this time around. A little cream cheeze was stirred in at the last minute to add a more velvety, pie-like texture.
Now that the pretty pictures are out of the way, let’s get to talking!
The European Journal of Social Psychology just published an interesting article about body image in their October 2011 issue. According to a new study, images of slim, “normal-weight” people elicited distinctly positive emotional responses, while images of overweight people caused less positive – but not negative – emotional responses. The responses were found to indicate a perception bias favor of thinner people.
Although the study did reveal that participants (more than half of whom were female) would be more willing to interact with the slimmer subjects, the study also showed that the results did NOT support “anti-fat responding.” Essentially, while slim is still associated with “good,” being overweight is not necessarily tied to “bad.”
You can read the full text of the article here through the National University of Ireland.
Personally, I thought the results were very accurate in terms of general societal perception of body size. In nearly every media outlet, subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues are given to “teach” us that being thin is desirable. I can’t think of a single sitcom or romantic comedy where the main male character’s love interest is NOT a thin, chesty, leggy woman. I absolutely hate this for two reasons: not only does it make women with some curve-age (and often women of a perfectly fit, healthy body shape) feel poorly about their bodies and wonder if they will ever be “sexy” enough, but it also primes men to desire this unrealistic concept of a “perfect female” – a.k.a a jealousy-inducing sex kitten. It’s an ugly cycle.
While I don’t think obesity should become our new societal ideal, in light of the intent of this study – to determine the snap judgments people make SOLELY based on appearance – I feel as though the results are promising if they truly represent a trend of appreciating all body types. That’s one trend I can seriously support!
Question of the morning:
Do you sense that society has a bias towards slender individuals? What are your thoughts on the study – or on society’s preferential attitudes to the unrealistically-built “ultimate female?”
Seven Things
Good morning! I’m so excited to see so many new readers around lately – seeing new faces and hearing new voices always makes my day!
Now seems like the perfect time to participate in the Seven Posts activity that’s been floating around the blogosphere. One of my favorite bloggers (and hilariously enough, former coworker!) Julie tagged me to participate, and I’m excited to re-share seven particular posts with those of you who may not have been readers the first time they were published!
Most Beautiful Post
Without a doubt, “The Accidental Bikini That was So Much More” has to be the most beautiful post I’ve ever written. I actually get chills when I re-read it. It vividly expresses the feeling that I got the very first time I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw – a feeling I can still remember to this very day.
Most Popular Post
If we’re judging simply by the number of comments, The Scariest Decision of My Life wouldn’t be my most popular post. Since I’m judging instead by the massive outpouring of love that all of you sent my way as I announced the huge life decision I’d just made, I count it as my most popular post.
Most Controversial Post
While I typically don’t like to blog about controversial topics, I couldn’t help but get slightly enraged over a magazine’s suggestion that to Look Your Best Naturally, All You Need is Plastic Surgery. I hated the message they were propogating, and as I’d expected, many of you did as well!
Most Helpful Post
I’m no psychologist, but I do understand – firsthand – what goes into recovering from an eating disorder. After a reader asked for some tips on how I stopped my bulimic tendencies, I shared How I Beat the Cycle of Binging and Purging. If that post helped even one reader, I consider it to be my most successful.
The Post Whose Success Most Surprised Me
Gnocchi and Brussels Sprouts with Lemon Butter. Sure, it was yummy…but dude…I was talking about brussels sprouts. For that brief moment, I liked them…but let’s be real: brussels sprouts are gross. How that manages to be one of my most-searched recipes will always be beyond me.
The Post That Didn’t Get the Attention it Deserved
I thought that Supermodels Got Nothin’ On Us was hugely inspiring as I talked about how real women – not the “idols” in magazines – should be the ones we look up to…but there were far fewer comments on the post than I thought there would be!
The Post I’m Most Proud Of
As a professional writer, I constantly look back at things I’ve written and ask myself what the hell I was thinking…but not this post. Every single time I read it, I’m so proud of the way I conveyed exactly what I was feeling. Life is a Rush was one of my most poignant posts, and I’m also proud of who I was at the time that I wrote it.
In the spirit of the post I’ll ignore my hatred for myspace-style friend selection and tag seven fellow bloggers: Jolene at Everyday Foodie; Jessica at Sushi and Situps; Leanne at Healthful Pursuit; Lindsay at Happy or Hungry; Emily at A Nutritionist Eats and Sonia at Master of Her Romaine!
Bloggers: Link me to your one absolute favorite post on your blog.
Blog readers: If you had a blog for a day, what would be the one topic you’d feel most compelled to write about?
How to Handle Backhanded Compliments
Good morning friends! Thank you all for the birthday wishes 
Also, a special thank you to all of the new visitors who stopped by from Julie’s blog – I’m already mulling over my “seven things” list!
Yesterday called for what every birthday calls for – hefty servings of cake, chocolates and ice cream. Somehow, my sweet tooth was still in full force this morning!
My love for sweets my never change, but my preference in breakfasts can go from one product to the next in the blink of an eye!
I based this morning’s yogurt mess on a new-to-me peach soy yogurt from Whole Soy and Company. I topped the vegan yogurt with fresh peaches, organic walnuts, chia seeds and goji berries.
There was the perfect bit of every texture – some crunch, some chew, and a whole lotta creaminess!
Now if I could just find that leftover cake…
***
How to Deal with Backhanded Compliments
Even if you’re a thick-skinned person by nature…certain words sting.
Some of these words are intended to hurt, but most of them are offhanded remarks that simply weren’t thought through before they were spoken. Either way, these blunt comments can be hard to hear.
“She’s got some meat on her bones…but I think it’s sexy.”
“Your article was fantastic, considering it was your first attempt at the assignment.”
“She’s a great player – for a girl!”
Backhanded compliments are almost worse than a simple insult. An insult can instantly make you angry, but a sly remark can eat at you over time. We know better than to take these comments at face value, but as we analyze the remark, we start to question whether they really are true.
Most unintentional insults bring a woman face to face with her insecurities. Even the most confident and secure woman can be sent into a tailspin when her image, intelligence, competence or personality are attacked. Worse yet is when the insult comes on the heels of encouragement, which makes the statement even more personal. The power of words is so much greater than we assume!
Just like with a straight-up insult, resentment can start to brew if you harbor these words. Without properly responding to these thoughtless statements, you can harbor a lot of resentment for the person who tore you down after they built you up. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to deal with is a hefty dose of negativity floating around in my mind!
So how can you respond to backhanded compliments instead of just dropping your mouth in disbelief of the lack of tact some people seem to possess?
Fight the urge to retaliate. Regardless of how old or mature you are, there’s always going to be a quick impulse to lash out in response. It’s human nature to defend ourselves by deflecting the negativity towards someone else! Even though turning the cattiness around can seem vindicating, it never helped matters in middle school, and it won’t help anything as an adult.
Address it. I’ve got a bad habit of withdrawing and getting extremely quiet when I’m hurt. Not speaking up as often as I should has resulted in a lot of silent sulking in the past – and I can’t say that any of it was productive! I’ve learned that I can’t keep quiet and still expect others to understand that they did something that bothered me.
If someone makes a comment – intentional or otherwise – that insults or offends you, speak up! If the words were spoken inadvertently, letting the friend know that their humor was out of line can help them be more mindful of future comments – to you and to others. If the backhanded compliment was intended to be hurtful, you need to make it clear that you don’t tolerate that kind of communication. This can seem difficult if you’re non-confrontational, but setting boundaries and standing up for yourself gets easier with practice!
Refuse to harbor it. It’s so easy to lose precious hours wallowing in the aftermath of a petty comment. I’ve wasted hours working myself up over a ridiculous jab that wasn’t worth a single second of my time. Personal slams can easily make you question whether you’re good enough, and they’re incredibly hard to let go of once you start mulling over the words and trying to put meaning behind them.
Don’t play the words over and over in your head. Don’t entertain the five different connotations the comment might have had. Breathe in, shake it off, breathe out…and refuse to mull over it any further. Growing a thick skin is easier said than done, but deciding that the comment is purely insignificant in the grand scheme of things can help you let it go.
Do something to re-boost your self-esteem. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can make you feel better – or worse – about who you are. No comment – negative OR positive – can permanently change your perception of yourself.
If you’re reeling from a backhanded compliment, throw yourself into a favorite activity that you know makes you feel happy with who you are. Go volunteer at a charity that coincides with your personal passions, bust butt on a great workout or chat up a kind-hearted friend that always makes you smile.
You are the only one whose opinion matters. So you’re not model-skinny or making a franchise quarterback’s salary. Who cares? You’re doing the best you can, you’re making yourself the best person you can be, and everything else is out of your hands. Frankly, if someone thinks I’m not the best cook or the prettiest girl they’ve ever seen…that’s cool by me. I am who I am, I do what I can, and if that’s not good enough…
Tough shit.
How do you handle backhanded compliments? What do you do to take the sting out of someone else’s words?
June: A No-Weigh Month
Good morning! Welcome to June!
I ushered in the new month with a quintessential summer breakfast – a smoothie in a bowl!
I used the same winning combo from yesterday:
- 1 banana
- 2 large handfuls spinach
- 1 scoop bourbon vanilla Tera’s Whey
- 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
- 1 tablespoon flax meal
- 1/2 cup rice milk
- 3 ice cubes
Cocoa powder may be my absolute favorite smoothie ingredient – it actually helps lessen my chocolate cravings throughout the rest of the day!
Gave her a good ol’ sprinkling of flax seeds and Nature’s Path Blueberry Optima and she was good to go!
No-Weigh June
Whenever I hear a blogger {or a real-life friend} mention not owning a scale or not knowing what they weigh, I can’t help but wonder: How do they do it? How do they not hop straight on the scale as soon as they wake up?
If you want to put it like it is, weighing myself has been my last hold-out from my eating disorder. I’ve established healthy eating habits and no longer use restriction as a coping mechanism; I’ve learned how to stop a binge in its tracks and I exercise for strength and stamina, not to burn calories. I’ve been very blessed to move beyond those disordered eating habits…yet I still hop on the scale daily. While I can honestly say that I don’t allow the number to influence my eating habits, I still have been a slave to the number.
In reality, I understand that it’s just that – a number. A silly, ever-changing number that doesn’t change how I look, who I am or how hungry I am. Unfortunately, what it has the power to change is my mood. A “low” number always makes me feel victorious, as though I’m proving to myself that I can eat when I’m hungry and not gain weight. A “high” number can turn a good day into one where I wonder what I did “wrong.”
Healthy? I don’t think so. Acceptable? Definitely not.
That’s why I’m packing my scale into the trunk of my car for the entirety of June. I’d love to throw the contraption over the side of my balcony, but I’m not sure that my apartment manager would be thrilled with that idea. In reality, I’m also convinced that without weighing myself every day, I’ll gain twenty pounds without knowing it. Rationally, I understand that it’s impossible, but irrationally, I’m terrified that it will actually happen.
By getting rid of my scale {albeit temporarily}, I’m hoping to distance myself from the number and learn even further how to listen to my body. If that means I lose weight, then I lose weight. If that means I stay the same or gain, than that too will be in response to the needs of my body.
I’m ready to break my dependence on this stupid scale!
What’s your position on weighing yourself? Do you own a scale? How often do you use it? Have you ever made a conscious decision to ignore the number?
Look Your Best Naturally (All You Need is Surgery)
Last week, I recieved a copy of Central Florida Lifestyle in the mail. The mini magazine is distributed throughout several Orlando neighborhoods and covers local businesses and residents that are doing notable things.
As soon as I pulled it out of the mailbox, my eyes honed in on one thing: “Look your best naturally!” a headline read, followed by the sponsoring organization – the Bassin Center for Plastic Surgery.
I’m not one to mince words, but are they honestly suggesting that plastic surgery is a natural way of enhancing a woman’s beauty?
Before casting judgment, I flipped to the actual article. Perhaps, I thought, the center was offering tips that simply supplemented their services, such as wearing sunscreen and avoiding sugar to reduce bloat.
Instead, however, the article opened with the surgeon’s claim that he offers the “latest beauty procedure to make patients beautiful without downtime, general anesthesia, chemical fillers or foreign objects.”
I wasn’t sure what I took more issue with: the claim that surgery was a natural option, or the claim that it could make patients beautiful, as though they were ogres before seeking the center’s services.
I’m certainly not anti-surgery. If a procedure can help you feel more beautiful and more comfortable in your body, by all means – go for it. But to claim that surgery can produce natural beauty? No chance. Natural is a touch of mascara. Natural is working your butt off – literally – to see physical results that you’re looking for. Natural is not plopping down in a doctor’s office and having them cut fat from your body or pump substances into your breasts.
Furthermore, to blatantly play off your target market’s insecurities and sell the procedure as a way to become beautiful? I’m appalled by the message. I spent years exploring every avenue I could to “become beautiful.” Many of those methods were incredibly dangerous, yet was I a more beautiful person after starving myself for days on end or swallowing countless diet pills? No chance. In fact, the first time I truly felt beautiful was when I accepted my body the way it was – curves and all.
Shame on the writer for so blatantly twisting words, shame on the editor for allowing it, and shame on the company for suggesting that an operation can magically – and naturally – make an individual who was naturally gorgeous to begin with more beautiful.
Where do you stand? Plastic surgery – natural or not?
We Deserve This
Good morning! Better yet, Happy Friday! Who else is ready for some down time?
Even though I was still sleepy when I rolled out of bed, I rolled straight to the kitchen for an energizing yogurt bowl.
As I mixed strawberries, almonds and flax into my plain Chobani, I decided to throw in a few cinnamon raisins for good measure. Great in theory…except for the fact that the only place I can tolerate raisins is in oatmeal raisin cookies (a batch of which may be in our near future – hint hint!)
